


The Life of Ivar

by grayspider1974



Series: Ivar's World [9]
Category: Monty Python's Life of Brian (1979), Vikings (TV)
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-10
Updated: 2019-01-10
Packaged: 2019-10-07 23:18:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 763
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17375090
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grayspider1974/pseuds/grayspider1974
Summary: In which the most recent sacrifice scene on Vikings turns Pythonesque





	The Life of Ivar

**Author's Note:**

> Uma the Odd, Madame Vinnecusca and Jumal the Barber Surgeon are all original characters who appear in some of my previous stories, as does Pangur the Lake Van cat.  
> It was actually fairly common for political and military leaders to claim godlike or messianic status in the ancient world...in fact Snorri Sturlusson claimed that the Aesir were originally a dynasty of Assyrian kings.  
> Ibn Fadlan wrote an account of his travels among the Rus Vikings that is for the most part fairly credible (except for the reports of giant snakes and monoceri living along the banks of the Amur River) and I think that if he were alive today he would be a news reporter.

Ivar Boneless had had the pier rebuilt and had found someone who looked enough like the big haired harridan who had murdered his mother to fool most people, though the star attraction of the evening was in fact the head of a troupe of Pole dancers called the Warsaw All Girl Nude Erotic Review. He had also made bloody sure that the cat that had been part of his last public humiliation was nowhere to be found, but as Freydis helped him daub his face with lead antimony he felt a bit apprehensive. If he failed again, people would begin to question his divinity, so he had to make this sacrifice a success. Nonetheless, as the godis shouted "HAIL THE GOD IVAR!" he smiled to himself, but as the bag was pulled off Madame Vinnecusca's head Ivar's grin faded. The useless whore was sobbing and pleading for her life and in general behaving completely unlike Lagertha would have done.   
"THAT'S NOT LAGERTHA!" someone in the crowd shouted, and others took up the cry. Ivar looked out over the crowd and saw that Uma the Odd, Astrid's mother was trying to push her way to the front. She was a truly obnoxious old woman who looked like she had been hung out in the sun like a dried fish and she had a particularly insalubrious reputation.   
"That's not Lagertha!" Uma said. "Much as I'd like to see Lagertha torn apart for what she did to my sweet baby girl this ain't her! Let the woman go!"  
"Could somebody PLEASE shut this woman up?" Ivar asked, and as the guards shambled over to grab Uma's skinny arms he snarled "Kneel before me woman, for I am a GOD!"   
"You're not the Messiah," Uma said. "You're a very naughty boy and you need to wash your face. Is that your mother's makeup that you're wearing?"  
Ivar growled.  
"You look bloody ridiculous," said Uma. "I don't think your mother would be proud of you, and I thought she raised you better than this!" She eluded the grip of one guard and hoofed another in the balls but six more hove into range just as Hvitserk loped into view. His braids were coming undone and he was probably drunk off his ass but he made his way through the crowd with far more confidence than he usually did.  
"That's enough, Ivar...not cool, bro! NOT COOL! Let the lady go. Queen Big Hair is long gone, and this is just an insult to the Gods" He glanced at Madame Vinnecusca "Hello Winnie!"" he said. "I haven't seen you since Alexandria. This ain't the first time you've hung upside down from a pole, is it?"  
"Oh, piss off you damn dirty Norwigger!" Winnie snapped as a stranger strode through the crowd. He was easily the size of Bjorn Ironsides and his teeth shone in the torchlight in a broad, friendly grin.  
"Who's the shwartz?" Ivar asked after a moment of dumbfounded silence. The last North African that Ivar had seen had been Tamaruz who had been a frightened little girl and this gentleman was simply massive.  
"My name is Jumal, I am a barber-surgeon and I am Hvitserk's business partner." He handed Ivar a card with the words "Whitey's Wig Emporium, 144 Cleopatra Drive, Alexandria, Egypt" written on it in several languages. "Salam al malakaim, afendi!"  
"He's here for a shipment of hair," said Hvitserk. "Natural blonde wigs command a high price in Egypt." He cut Madame Vinnecusca loose and continued. "At any rate you insult the gods with this mockery of a sacrifice. We should capture the real Queen Big Hair and rip her apart. There's a fellow by the name of Ibn Fadlan here who's doing an item on Norse customs for Al Jezerah."  
Ivar glowered at his brother and bared his teeth.  
"Norwigger, please..." Hvitserk said. "I'm your older brother and I think you need to chill out. You don't want Mr. Fadlan to report that we're a nation of terrorists, do you? By the way you really do need to wash your face. Mother's makeup does not suit you at all!"  
Ivar blinked twice then his face suddenly contorted and he fled the scene, bawling piteously.  
"He's an excitable little fella, ain't he?" Jumal asked as Pangur Ban the white cat with polychrome eyes suddenly appeared as if by magic and wreathed about his large feet. Chuckling, Hvitserk stooped to pet the cat and watched the crowd disperse. "Always look on the bright side of life..." he sang to himself, looking up at the stars.


End file.
